Edited by Isalee
From the hotel lobby to the elevator, then from the elevator to Gu Yiliang’s room, it was less than a distance of a hundred metres. However, I felt as though I had hiked across the entire Great Wall of China.
First, I had to get a mask to cover up his whole face, so as to avoid any paparazzi or illegitimate children that might appear around the corner.
Next, I had to half-carry his entire person, to prevent him from falling onto the ground due to his unsteady gait.
Finally, I still had to reach out and tightly grasp his shirt and pants, since the moment he saw the doors of the elevator open and then close, he immediately moved to take off his shirt and undo his belt—
The speed of his hands truly displayed his worthiness of being a great player in DOTA with 5k points. I even caught a glimpse of his dick, alright?! Captain, don’t shoot, it’s me!
He wanted to take off his clothes but I refused to let him do so, yet he insisted on wanting to do so in the elevator. If that entanglement had been captured, news of it would definitely explode across the entertainment industry tomorrow. By then, we would only be able to head to hell together, and not even our corpses would remain intact.
Finally, I was able to safely transport Gu Yiliang to the door of his room. Just as I exhaled a long breath of exhaustion, I saw him patting his pockets, turning his head in confusion and asking me, “… Where’s the card to my room?”
I sucked that breath of exhaustion back in.
How would I know where your keycard is?!
Looking at him patting himself while swaying on his feet, I hurriedly turned him to face the wall, making him put his two hands up against it and helping him stand properly. Then, I patted the pockets of his shirt and pants, helping him look for his keycard.
Behind us, the door to the room across the corridor opened suddenly, then slammed shut. A moment later, it opened again.
The male lead of our drama poked his head out, eyeing us for a few seconds, then sighed in relief. “Oh, it’s you guys. I thought it was the police coming to crackdown on vice or something.”
Me: ? Did I just find out something terrible?
Me: “Lead, can you help me contact the front desk? Gu-ge is drunk, and we can’t find his keycard—”
Male Lead: “Since he’s this drunk, don’t let him sleep by himself. If he vomits on the bed later on, no one will be there to clean up for him. You didn’t drink much, so you should help take care of him.”
No, wait, it wasn’t that I didn’t drink much! I didn’t drink less than you guys, alright?
Although my alcohol tolerance had been trained to a decent level by Old Huang, my footsteps were actually also all over the place. It was only because Gu Yiliang was this drunk that I dared not let my drunkenness out.
If something happens to him, what do I do? Wouldn’t I become a widower?
Also, right now, he was in a state where he would take out his dick whenever he wanted, and I completely dared not stay in the same room when he was like this!
How was a drunk me supposed to rescue a drunk him?! Unable to hold myself back any longer, muddle headed, I was afraid I would end up in a swordfight with him!
By the time all these thoughts finished running through my head, Gu Yiliang was already in the bathroom of my room, having finished brushing his teeth and about to take a shower.
Dizzy, I paced about outside my bathroom, wondering if I should barge in and play out a scene of, “Ah, I’m drunk! Ah, the floor is so slippery! Ah, I fell down! Ah, how did I accidentally fall into your arms?!” However, I was restricted from doing so via an objective assessment of my acting ability.
A drunk me, sharing a room with an absolutely drunk person that I liked, if one were to do some calculations right now, exactly how many potential situations could one imagine?
Now, what should I do?! How should I do it?! This scene wasn’t in any of the fanfics!
It was as though a lightbulb lit up above my head. I hurriedly opened up Lofter and searched #Niangzi #drunk, while knocking on the bathroom door and saying composedly, “I’ll just be outside, call for me if you need anything!”
I received a grunt in acknowledgement.
650.5 【Yiliang’s Phone Memo — Excerpt 2】
I went overboard pretending to be drunk, and my adversary ended up taking me into his room.
Mixing wine and baijiu did go to my head, and I did vomit, but I’m still kucid.
Why do I keep naking typos?
I made many many typos. I might really be a teeny weeny drunk.
Which means, I’m drunk.
Why was it that Gu Yiliang was always the sober one no matter how much he drank while I was the one always dead drunk? It was the complete opposite in real life!! Ahh, my Niangzi Army, my family—
As I was hurriedly browsing through the relevant scenes in the fanfics, a thud came suddenly from the bathroom, as well as a low exclamation of pain.
Did he fall?!
I quickly tossed my phone away, opening the bathroom door and going in, “Gu—”
Gu Yiliang stood half-naked next to the showerhead that was on, and a soaking wet patch on his pants.
With slightly reddened eyes, he stared at me blankly, and he was still holding onto his phone.
What was he doing? Was he going to share a couple’s bath with his phone in his pants?
Unconsciously, I glanced at the phone in his hand. Immediately, without thinking, he hid his phone behind him.
Right behind him was the showerhead that was turned on.
I watched as the screen of his phone turned black from getting into contact with water.
… Drinking does damages one’s intelligence.
I asked, “Did you knock into something?”
After a pause, he answered in grievance, “… I’m too tall, so I knocked into the showerhead.”
It’s all my fault! It’s all my fault for not being as tall as you! For lowering the showerhead!
A wave of dizziness came over me. I didn’t know if it was because I was drunk, or if it was a grievance caused by him, but if only I could just fall into his arms like a drunk, noble lady—
It was just that….
Wearing his pants and showering with his phone, even knocking his head into the showerhead, and spoiling his phone by putting it under running water…
With his current condition, I was afraid that he didn’t even know who I was. In this sort of situation, even if something did happen, there was completely no meaning to it at all. It was better if I stopped having any indecent thoughts towards him.
Taking advantage of people when they were at a disadvantage was wrong!
I forcibly brainwashed myself. Right now, I was even straighter than a laser beam!
I rolled my sleeves up. Snatching the phone in his hand, I put it aside, then pulled the showerhead down before jerking my chin at him and commanded him domineeringly, “Remove your pants.”
Aroooo! This line is way too much like a top! I never thought that I, Wei Yanzi, would have a day where I could say something like this to Gu Yiliang!
In the end, before my “top” aura could be maintained for three seconds, someone pounced on me, pressing me against the wall. He also knocked away the showerhead in my hand, and water sprayed everywhere.
The back of my head nearly collided with the wall, but a pair of hands reached out in time to cushion my head, and a thud was heard.
Alarmed, I grabbed his wrist. “Are your hands fine?!”
Gu Yiliang did not answer. Like a bear on a tree, he ground against me, and something hard poked at me until I was in a fluster.
Don’t they say that extremely drunk people can’t get hard?! Why is he so gifted?!
I had only just managed to brainwash myself with great difficulty!
He couldn’t possibly have mistaken me for someone else, right?
Gnashing my teeth, I pushed him. “What are you doing? Trying to do a poison test with a silver needle on my body or something?!”
Confused, he looked at me dazedly, “Your *BEEP* is poisoned?”
No, wait, he was already drunk to the point where he could not distinguish between humans and animals… No wait, he was already drunk to the point where he could not recognise people, but why was he still so unwilling to admit defeat?
Through the warm humidity, his eyes, clouded with drunkenness, stared straight at me. I felt as though I was about to be cooked from his stare. Like one of those dancing inflatables found outside supermarkets, I twisted about wildly, but was trapped the entire time by his arms.
Why is this smut scene happening with no warnings at all? I am completely unprepared!
No, wait, if someone else was in this current situation, they might just get into it straight away. However, I do not want to have drunk sex with him!
Before any drunk sex, we should at least sit down, have a drink, and discuss it properly, alright? Right now, he probably doesn’t even know who I am!
Furthermore, those were my buttocks on me, and not an automatic washing machine. I didn’t have an auto-clean function, an on/off switch, or the ability to get wet automatically, ok?!
Chaos reigned in my head, while he still continued grinding against me gently, asking me in a low voice, “… Is it ok?”
Ok, all the chaos in my mind immediately quieted down upon hearing his soft, low voice.
In any case, I was drunk too!
Bracing myself, I undid his pants with a trembling hand, and looked down to see his—
—Goodbye! I, Wei Yanzi, will take my leave first. It will be a long journey, and I hope you’ll take good care of yourself!
On my body were my buttocks, not loosely-tilled earth. If he were to come in like that, I was afraid I would just turn into ashes!
I sobered up quite a bit, but my vision was still dark. With trembling hands, I helped him put his pants on properly, pulling up his zipper and doing up the button, then wiped at the wet patch on his pants.
His eyelashes trembled, and he tilted his head, puzzled. “… Yanyan?”
—Hi! I, Wei Yanzi, am back again!
The difference in our strength was clearly evident. I was unable to pull away his arm that was curled around him, and so I just pulled his hair, forcing him to raise his head slightly. “… What did you call me?”
He looked even more puzzled, hesitantly saying, “…. Then… L-little Wei?”
Little Wei your ass!
It felt as though there was a crack in my heart, honey slowly seeping out of it. It was even sweeter than all the fluff I had been stuffing myself with.
Our progress… was at 99% now?
It was as though the corners of my lips now had their own will. Disobediently, they curved up, and I pinched his cheek. “Do you recognise me?”
“… Why would I not recognise you?” His voice was soft. “I’m drunk, but I didn’t turn into a fool…”
Me: “… Just now, who was the one who placed their phone under the shower?”
Closing his mouth shut, he looked at me, tugging at my pants lightly.
I froze, alarms ringing in my heart loudly. No wait, happiness is happiness, and delight is delight, but I don’t want to turn into ashes!
What should I do what should I do what should I do—
Tell him that this was not written in the almanac?
Tell him that my period was here and it wasn’t a good time?
Tell him that the Astronomical Bureau had calculated that the stars were in conflict?
As I was panicking, thinking about how I should delay this matter, he was instead the first one to lower his eyes, quietly saying, “… No, we shouldn’t do this. I didn’t prepare any equipment, and I’ll hurt you.”
What equipment? Shall I go out and kill a monster and then see if it will drop?
But with his appearance, his tone, and the meaning laden in his words, were really too arresting. There was really an instant when I wanted to strike out to look for a monster.
Just as I drifted away into my thoughts, wondering where should I go to seek the monsters, what sort of level should the monsters be, and whether I would be able to defeat them, Gu Yiliang suddenly leaned his face very close to mine. There was only 0.5 cm between our lips, and his warm breath scattered across my face.
I immediately heated up, my fingers scratching lightly against his back.
He asked, “… May I kiss you?”
Monsters! I would rather go fight monsters right now! Monsters, you best wash your necks clean and await your deaths!!
I answered, “… Mn.”
I’ll just turn into ashes then. Ten thousand years is too long, and I’m seizing the day.